On Alchemists are D**ks!

Work continues on the Alchemy supplement. Finally got the base form and structure of the entries somewhat finalized, and have come to some conclusions about item creation. . . but I'm going to talk about that later. Today we have a different topic.

Alchemists are jerks!

This is an exciting project, and you know why? Because Alchemists are Arseholes. Think about it for one second. Anyone who's strong or popular is going to be a fighter or rogue. If you're smart, you'll enter the honorable career of a wizard. People who don't fit in elsewhere, or are interested in spiritual advancement become priests. Even out of those categories, those who become adventurers are anti-social and often sociopathic. In all of these Alchemists are the worst.

Not smart enough, spiritual enough, strong enough, rejected by the world - they alone have the time to painstakingly research esoteric interactions, and strange energies, then they take this mighty knowledge and power and use it to make people choke to death!

Set people on fire! Make people hallucinate! Weeks of painstaking research just so they can throw poison sand in someone's face, a sad feat for someone willing to devote so much effort into those things. The revenge of the 90 pound weakling with no wisdom gained from it at all! That is what it means to be an alchemist.


  1. So what does that say about players who choose to play this class?

  2. I'm getting the impression your PC just got nerfed by an NPC alchemist.

  3. No, no. Just a comment on the type of adventurers they are. The type of person that plays one, doesn't want to rely on his character's skill but rather a nasty bag of tricks. That is, and always has been, kind of a dick move - how many Herod rely on fancy gadgets /exclusively/ to get their dirty work done. Comics are a good example, most gadgeteers tend to be (minor) bad guys.

  4. I am under the impression that every single experiment an alchemist does is with the intention of turning base metals into gold and discovering the Philosopher's Stone, which itself is a metaphor for enlightenment or purification of the soul. All these various potions that are produced in this pursuit are accidental side-effects, albeit potentially very valuable or useful in their own right.

    No sir! The alchemist is a noble profession, one that shuns superstitious religion in pursuit of truth and logic. You have confused him with the Poisoneer, a most despicable, cowardly, and debased class. Why, some of my best friends are alchemists! For shame.


  5. Wait, I can play an alchemist in D&D? Wha?

  6. I am writing an old school supplement for the purposes of Alchemical play.

  7. Yeah I'm just ribbin' ya. Looking forward to your supplement! :)


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